Does it really matter???

I'm not one to draw things out in public. I like to keep my personal disappointments to myself. It must be my "weak" complexion because there's something about talking about my problems out loud that makes me cringe. Also, I believe it's a deep rooted issue I have that goes all the way back to high school. (Yes, a lot of my issues stem from those 4 years of hell on Earth).

Anyhow, when I'm disappointed or hurt, I usually ponder what went wrong for a few hours or days (depending on the severity of the situation) and then move on. Sometimes, something else will remind me of that hurtful moment and then I'm drawn back into the past for a bit & then snapped out it. But there's just one thing that bothers me from time to time. I come back to this situation quite a bit.

Last fall, I tried expanding my circle of friends by looking on CraigsList. Yes, I know, probably not the best place to find decent human beings. But I did find my friend Sasha there and there's tons of postings "looking" for friends on there. Besides, LA is the hardest place to make real lasting friends. Especially if you're in your 30's. And poor.

I found this really cool chick named Jessica in September. We went dancing, did some photography together and hit the bars a few times. She was a few years younger than me, had done more traveling but we had so much in common. She enjoyed doing the same things I love to do. She actually kept up with me. I had thought this was a best friend in the making. At first, I didn't tell her I was married. I mean, what single chick wants to hang out with a married one? I had thought that once we hung out enough, being married wouldn't matter. Especially since I helped her pick up a couple guys at the bar. I'm like the best wingman someone could have. I like flirting. I like men. But I don't want any of them. Competition eliminated. (Although I would give her a run for her money).

Then in late October, I invited her to Lucha VaVroom with Ryan and Brad. I had an extra ticket and I knew I was the 3rd wheel so why not invite her? I debated introducing Ryan as my husband to her but held off. Then half way through the event, I felt comfortable telling her Ryan was my husband. She acted like it was no big deal. She said it made sense since I didn't take any phone numbers from the guys at the bar. So, I thought we were cool.

Nope, we weren't.

It started with she was working a lot of overtime at her job in preparation for the holidays. She didn't have time to hang out. Then, she stopped returning my calls and emails. Then, my emails were being bounced back to me as undeliverable. By Christmas, I had given up. Chucked it up to her lost. But was it really her lost?

I'm only thinking about her now for 2 reasons. I found a picture of her at the only photography event we did. And that I was begging people to go with me to the Dodger game this weekend. Not only was I begging my friends but I was begging people on Craiglist. How sad is that that I couldn't find anyone in LA to go with me to a free Dodger game?

Ryan says I ruin the friendship by telling Jessica I was married. But does it really matter? Is it really that big of a deal? Can only single people hang out with other single people? I don't care for kids but I hang out with adults that have kids. And besides, how long could I have really gone on not declaring my status?

So this train of thought takes a wicked turn towards me. I know I'm difficult. I don't adjust well. I have a high standards for people. And I have a lot of hatred for pop culture things that most people like. (I'm looking at you Twilight, Uggs and Pinkberry). I know I distance myself for others and I have trust issues (again - I have high school to thank for that). But am I a hard person to be friends with? Maybe it wasn't being married that chase Jessica away. I like to think I have the qualities of a good friend - loyalty, honesty, compassion, somewhat intelligent, humble, strength. But maybe I don't.

I think back to some of my past best friends. There were those two bitches from high school. Best friends since 6th grade. I did everything I could to salvage those friendships but it wasn't enough. Amy slept w/ my then-boyfriend when I was out of town to get back at me for something petty. With Colleen - I don't know where to start with that. There were so many issues. Loyal to the end got me nothing but misery.

Then there's Tom, who I thought was my friend but he was just being a guy. So I can't get mad at him. Not that it does any good to get mad at him.

And there's his sister, Tinie, who is my oldest friend. But being 3 time zones apart is hard. I would say she is my best friend but that's because she's the closest that fits that description.

And that's my list of my best friends - past & present. Really sad. I get that people are going to come and go during your lifetime. But why is it so damn hard to find a best friend? I'm 33 years old and I'm starting to think maybe it is me.