I was held hostage today

No, really I was. I was held hostage by an evil, sinister, immoral corporation called Kaiser Permanente. Now, I don't blame them for ALL the things that are wrong with our healthcare system. But they should be held responsible for their crimes. But unfortunately, they are backed by the government & big business. So there's not much one can do about it but bitch about it on a blog only 10 people read.

Every year since I was 16, I go see a doctor for my mysterious lady parts. Yes, that's what we call them. Growing up in Catholic schools with no Sex Ed classes, they were mysterious parts till I was about 16. Biology has never been my strong suit. And whenever someone tried to talk to me about them, I would just cover my ears and yell real loud "I'm not listening!"

I think it is the names of our lady parts that makes me cringe. They sound gross no matter how you say them. Why couldn't they gave us cool names for our lady parts like the pinky or the void? Or my personal favorite: the tunnel. Sounds so dark & mysterious. See...aren't those fun names?! I would much rather say that than vagina. Vagina sounds like it should be the word to describe that vomit that's still in your mouth after your throw up. Like the last little bit you didn't have the energy to project into the toilet with rest of it. Anyhow, I'm getting off the subject.

Now, I haven't seen a Kaiser doctor, (I always think German doctor when I say that), since 2007. Since then, I've had the freedom of United Healthcare. Under their plan, I could pick any doctor that accepted UHC. Which was great! I had a great dermatologist, a PT specialist and a wonderful Lady Parts doctor. For 4 years, I saw these amazing doctors. I didn't like what they had to say most of the time:

The dermatalogist: "You should think about using botox on that wrinkle in your forehead"

The PT specialist: "You should think about having more aggressive treatment on that shoulder"

The Lady Part doctor: "You should lose more weight"

But they did their jobs well, gave me the pills I asked for and were always on time. The one time one of these doctors was late, she called me herself to let me know she was running 20 minutes behind. How cool was that?! Plus they didn't have the typical 9-5 schedules so my appointments were always before or after work. My only complaints with UHC was all the red-tape and hidden fees. I was constantly on the phone with them trying to explain why I need anti-inflammatory pills or why my right hip still needed therapy.

Late last year, I got under Ryan's healthcare plan. I knew what I was getting into. I wasn't going to be able to see the doctors I liked but at least the hidden fees & red tape were gone.

Anyhow, I had a 9am appointment at the West LA center because it's close to work. The West LA center charges for parking which should be a crime itself. I had only three singles with me but I thought there's no way this appointment could take more than 2 hours, right? Wrong.

I check-in at 8:50am and at 9am, they call me back. I'm thinking "Great, we're on time". It's a early Christmas miracle. So, I go to the nurses station and get my blood pressure taken. I eyed the scale in the corner somewhat regretting that heavy breakfast I had at 7am but the nurse never asked me to get on it. Oh yea, this is going great. Maybe they won't say anything about my weight. Maybe they will do the exam and I'm out the door by 9:30am. I'm feeling good about this one.

But the good feeling goes away when the nurses tells me to go back to the waiting room while they get a room ready for me. Hmmm... it's never a good sign when you have to go back to the waiting room. But I go back and start reading the book I brought with me.

The frustration level doesn't start to rise till 9:30am. From there, it just keeps on rising. In the waiting room, I'm surrounded my pregnant women who are going to their appointments. I'm starting to think that the pregnant women are getting special treatment. Which doesn't help my frustration. At 9:45am, I have finished my book and the frustration jumps another 20 notches. I go to the front desk and asks how much longer. The woman behind the thick glass smiles and says she's not sure. They're running behind. Frustration at critical mass - its not longer stable! I leave the room to go call the office and let them know I will be later than intended. I go back to the waiting room to find my seat taken. In fact, every seat is occupied by a pregnant woman! Where the hell did they all come from? Leaning against a wall, it dawns on me - I'm being held hostage. They know I need to see a doctor to get a prescription refill. They know I can't leave without that refill. They also know that I don't want to come back to get that refill.

At 10am, the frustration has boiled over when I realized $3 is not going to cover the parking. Now, my car is a hostage. I go back to the window and ask again how long will it be. There's still no update from the doctor. The nurse thinks she is giving me good news when she tells me there is only 1 patient ahead of me. Which then pushes me to giving her a newsflash. Here's a breakdown of my angry rant: I start with how I was on time but the doctor was not. Followed by the hostage feeling I am feeling. Then, I move onto how my car is now a hostage. Wrapping it with the old "I-never-get-treated-this-why-by-providers-outside-of-Kaiser" speech. (Which is true). The nurse does nothing but offers this helpful truth: "There's an ATM machine on the first floor".

At 10:15am, I'm called back & placed in a room. At 10:30am, the doctor finally walks in and asks how I'm doing. I'm almost launched into my "Kaiser is evil" speech but decide against it. I need this woman to do her job & give me my refill as quickly as possible.

The exam lasts only 20 minutes. In that time, she is trying to make small talk as she uses a cold metal vise on my lady parts. I tried ignore this cold & painful process by thinking this is what a robotic version of Karl Urban's penis might feel like. (Usually its the nineties version Christian Slater I'm thinking about but I watched a little of DOOM on HBO during breakfast today). But then I look over on the sink counter. And there on the counter, in large letters is the word vagina. With a diagram.

God, I hate that word